written while i listen to kate walsh's new album light and dark and entertaining my new pastime of reading excel blogs like this one. also with this rhyme i concur this post.

pain

too far
so it scars
cant touch
but i vouch
the wanting
of something

waiting
but nothing

anticipation
of tension
kills me
currently
no end
i can sense
so i sit
infinite

today was an eventful day and somehow i feel i have to hv it chronicled

1. went to petaling street, my sister bought a faux lesportsac travel bag, haggled till 50% off
2. finally opened a ASb account, thus one of this year's new year resolution crossed
3. next stop was kl sentral. went by komuter, after waiting for the train for 10 minutes thought: WHY DIDNT WE TAKE THE LRT??
4. paid my study loan after 3 months
5. went to low yat plaza, where we bought my dad a new phone, and my sister a pendrive
6. met some guy i longed to meet while waiting for a bus to mid valley
7. bought the time traveler's wife and found this finally in harry potter and the order of the pheonix american edition

found all kinds of lists as i tidy the house

skins playlist
brendan benson - flesh and bone
jolie holland - old-fashioned morphine
john martyn - may you never
aqualung - something to believe in
autolux - asleep at the trigger
the concretes -  you cant hurry love
feist - gatekeeper
the bees -  sky holds the sun
wild world - skins cast
frou frou - let go
low - sunflower
fionn - be good or be gone
lcd soundsystem - new york i love you
funkytown - lipps, inc

(skins can be watched here on youtube)
and i actually hv this playlist at playlist.com. but then they decided to go "Due to licensing restrictions, some tracks are currently unavailable for playing in your country." on me. now i cant listen to ANY of the tracks.

can u hear it? i can help but to think that i'm imagining the sounds of rattling chains. you know, from all the demons and shaitans that are tied up right now because of ramadhan? i'm sure all of them are rejoicing now as the month is almost over.

only one more day of fasting. so no more going back early from work, breaking fast in the bus because of traffic jam @ with my parents and silbings when i'm home early, no more terawih, no more reciting quran, no more reading tafsir, no more solat hajat in the middle of the night.

or is it?

it is said that if you stick with what you did in ramadhan in the coming months, then what you did during ramadhan was actually accepted by Allah. so why dont we stick to all the things we did in ramadhan? so even though if it wasn't accepted at least you hope it does. at least you're trying.

hurr, i'm not making any sense. my sisters are shouting in my ear telling me to pack. we're going back to my mother's hometown in 30 minutes time. i hvnt packed, and all i can think of bringing is my statistic book and a laptop so that i can check out vba codes for work.

safe to say i hate ramadhan is over. and all i'll be thinking of now is workworkwork.

last night was the 27th night of ramadhan. the hot night for lailatul qadar. it was also somehow the night where i was most distracted. during terawih my head kept wandering to other things, ron weasley, which part of tafsir to read tonight, the fray's say when and my baju raya; among other things. during tazkirah i couldnt help but to feel so sleepy, but yet so alert at times. went home from the mosque, read yasin to calm the nerves, read some tafsir about the pits of hellfire for motivation and then i fell asleep. at 3.30am i somehow woke up, looked at the clock and thought, i should get up and do something. but what did i do? i laid on the bed, said astagfirullah and went back to sleep.

all in all, i think my quest for lailatul qadar this year so far, is a failure.

ya Allah ya tuhanku, yang maha mendengar dan maha mengetahui. tetapkan hatiku kepada jalan-Mu, tingkatkan iman dan taqwa ku, kurniakan redha Engkau kepadaku. sesungguhnya hanya Engkau yang mengetahui segala yang tersirat di dalam hati kami, baik yang kami sendiri tahu atau tidak ketahui. ya Allah ya tuhankan, yang maha pengasih lagi mengasihani, jauhkan aku dari semua yang memesongkan akidah, jauhkan aku dari sifat lupa, malas dan riak, jauhkan aku dari api neraka-Mu. sesungguhnya kami ini orang yang menzalimi diri sendiri. dan sesungguhnya hanya Engkau yang maha mengampun. bersihkan hatiku, terangkan pemikiranku, sihatkan tubuh badanku, tenangkan jiwaku. jadikan hatiku, pemikiranku, tubuh badanku dan jiwaku dekat kepada Engkau, semoga aku sentiasa ingat kepada Engkau, dan jadikanlah aku antara orang-orang yang beriman. ya Allah ya tuhanku, tuhan yang memakbulkan doa, terimalah permintaanku, semoga aku menjadi hamba-Mu yang bersyukur.

amin.

i had a nice little discussion with my boss and other colleagues the other day, where in one part of it this question was asked: "is it possible for a guy to love more than one equally?" because we were talking about polygamy. i said yeah, even parents hv favourites among the kids and a colleague said yes also, according to her, guys are just made that way. they will always have favourites. i asked my boss, who was a guy and he said, 'i dunno la actually'. well i dont hv to ask that really, cz i know that he's not capable of equal love. m not complaining really, because just like what i said about parents having favourites, surely he has too among us.

eh, m running away from the main topic. so anyway i was watching 'ustaz zamri bercerita' as i was breaking fast today, and he was telling stories about female superheroes in Islam, where he was talking about saidatina aishah, rasullullah s.a.w.'s wife. it is always known that aishah was rasullullah's favourite, though i always thought that he just treats her special because she's the youngest and it's just ok to spoil her. however i guess rasullullah really do love her most because when rasullullah was dying, he asked all his wives if he could stay with aishah during his last days. so i guess that's one prove to show that it is possible to love one particular wife more than the others.

ustaz zamri also talked about saidatina khadijah, rasullullah saw's first wife. i always feel that, if it wasn't because she passed away, rasullullah wouldn't hv married another. and i also feel that, among all rasullullah's wife, khadijah will always be his favourite. which is also always the same case with guys practising polygamy now. they might love another wife more, but the they will always have a soft spot for the first one.
saidatina khadijah wasnt just a favourite of rasullullah, jibrail once came to rasullullah to present a wahyu, and he told rasullulah to send regards to khadijah. so cool.